And there it sits stupidly glaring at me with glistening butter uneven and smeared. I can almost see my reflection in its pock-marked surface. A crunchy portrait of my childhood. Partially burnt crust in seemingly random places. How does that even happen? Is someone shaking the bread while it’s toasting?
Fumes of egg yolk and maple syrup erupt from its crispy crevices like greasy geysers. All I ordered was a salad for brunch. What the hell is going on here?
“No toast. I’m fine.” I had said to the waitress as she snapped her pencil hard against a pad with eyes darting far beyond us. Still, I should have know better. Cause, there it was again only moments later. Not just one but two even. The universe was doubling down.
I mean, seriously, what are the rules here? If you ordered only toast for your breakfast, do you still get two slices on the side?
Perhaps I’m not being an objective reviewer. The toast in itself is not the problem and despite my existential slices- shit, I mean crisis- I usually leave only crumbs behind. It’s really the idea of toast that bothers me. The idea that every breakfast includes a mandatory directive. Some kind of Orwellian-Wonderbread conspiracy. Yeah, you’ll have toast and like it. Unless, that is, you hate puppies and America?
A Stale History of Toast
Toast is the result of the Maillard reaction, where radiant heat creates browning. It is supposed to make stale bread palatable. Besides burnt bread, it also creates a carcinogen called acrylamide which sucks [A]. Some historians say toast has been around since 3,000 BC, although the first modern toaster wasn't invented until 1893 in Scotland [B]. There is, of course, some hipster artisanal crazes, but it's not terribly interesting. None of it is. Which is why I've dedicated my life's work (or a fifth of rye whiskey) in search of the toasty truth.
The Framing Theory
It is well documented [C] that during the American Revolution and Civil War, soldiers found solace in three things: photos of their loved ones, cathedral-shaped hot sauce bottles, and toast. In a ditch and within the horrific pitch of battle a simple meal to start the day made a big difference. Unfortunately, the most basic food staples and meats often included mealworms and maggots, and there was nary an I-Hop in site.
Toast became a luxury, although a toaster hadn’t been invented yet. But, that's beside the point. During the worst days, nothing would make the squiggling grub of breakfast more of a treat than a gleaming slice of toast to fill the gut and take the focus away from the rest of the mush.
Fast forward a few thousand years, and we use toast for similar reasons, to frame the rest of the food in a way that gives the whole plate more substance and appeal. So, that omelet looks like it just rolled across the floor a few times? No worries, the toast will be strong enough to compensate. Too bad, a fly just shat on your bacon. Be still, my son, and know the toast remains. This is why the well know phrase, “you are toast” is linked to being the idiot that goes out of their way to support everyone else, but is ignored when it's time for a raise, and ends up hating themselves in the end.
The Filler Theory
Toast is there to make you, um, fatter- shit, I mean fuller. Back in the early days of unregulated commercial food consumption (like, yesterday) the sugar lobbyists and bread lobbyists went Gangs of New York style on each other and often. Naturally, the sugar high continually beat the dreaded bread bloat and when the three meals of the day were split up into what we know now, the bread faction got regulated to in-between filler bullshit like apps, snacks, and sides.
It was a huge loss and sent bread into a rebranding effort to challenge sugar’s popular “the thing you want in everything” tagline. This explains why the popular phrase “you are toast” actually means you lack proper branding.
Once FDR proclaimed breakfast to be “the most important meal of the day” [D], bread finally found their voice as “the first or last thing you kind of eat because there are no other options". Which makes French toast- a bad drunken night between bread and sugar- all that more sad and creepy.
The Unified Field Theory of Breakfast
An important scene from the recent film “The Theory of Everything Fifty Shades” was deleted due to the highly statistical chance for plot confusion [E]. The scene was between Stephen Hawking and Jane after an impassioned night of kinky sex with another couple, Christian and Anastasia, including whips, chains, and exploring dark event horizons.
The next morning Anastasia makes Stephen breakfast and suddenly, it all comes together. The balance of eggs, bacon, and toast can be turned into an equation to explain, well, everything. Especially A&*% and I*&^%Z@#$ and certainly P&**$#! This is why the beloved term "you are toast" is often referred to as applying a %^*@^ to a *&!$%$% with a good lathering of guacamole.
For all of you lame non-breakfast-physicists out there let me summarize. It's, um, honestly- I'm not really sure myself. Just know that toast eventually became known as “dark matter” which is the thing that is just there, everywhere in the universe. Hardly understood. Persistent. Annoying.
And now I'm hungry.
References-ish:
[A] Jackson, L.S. & Al-Taher, F. (2005). "Effects of consumer food preparation on acrylamide formation". Adv. Exp. Med. Biol. 561: 447–465. doi:10.1007/0-387-24980-X_34. PMID 16438318.
[B] http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2013/10/history-toast
[C] Please see footnote D
[D]: Please see footnote E
[E]: Please see footnote C
Fumes of egg yolk and maple syrup erupt from its crispy crevices like greasy geysers. All I ordered was a salad for brunch. What the hell is going on here?
“No toast. I’m fine.” I had said to the waitress as she snapped her pencil hard against a pad with eyes darting far beyond us. Still, I should have know better. Cause, there it was again only moments later. Not just one but two even. The universe was doubling down.
I mean, seriously, what are the rules here? If you ordered only toast for your breakfast, do you still get two slices on the side?
Perhaps I’m not being an objective reviewer. The toast in itself is not the problem and despite my existential slices- shit, I mean crisis- I usually leave only crumbs behind. It’s really the idea of toast that bothers me. The idea that every breakfast includes a mandatory directive. Some kind of Orwellian-Wonderbread conspiracy. Yeah, you’ll have toast and like it. Unless, that is, you hate puppies and America?
A Stale History of Toast
Toast is the result of the Maillard reaction, where radiant heat creates browning. It is supposed to make stale bread palatable. Besides burnt bread, it also creates a carcinogen called acrylamide which sucks [A]. Some historians say toast has been around since 3,000 BC, although the first modern toaster wasn't invented until 1893 in Scotland [B]. There is, of course, some hipster artisanal crazes, but it's not terribly interesting. None of it is. Which is why I've dedicated my life's work (or a fifth of rye whiskey) in search of the toasty truth.
The Framing Theory
It is well documented [C] that during the American Revolution and Civil War, soldiers found solace in three things: photos of their loved ones, cathedral-shaped hot sauce bottles, and toast. In a ditch and within the horrific pitch of battle a simple meal to start the day made a big difference. Unfortunately, the most basic food staples and meats often included mealworms and maggots, and there was nary an I-Hop in site.
Toast became a luxury, although a toaster hadn’t been invented yet. But, that's beside the point. During the worst days, nothing would make the squiggling grub of breakfast more of a treat than a gleaming slice of toast to fill the gut and take the focus away from the rest of the mush.
Fast forward a few thousand years, and we use toast for similar reasons, to frame the rest of the food in a way that gives the whole plate more substance and appeal. So, that omelet looks like it just rolled across the floor a few times? No worries, the toast will be strong enough to compensate. Too bad, a fly just shat on your bacon. Be still, my son, and know the toast remains. This is why the well know phrase, “you are toast” is linked to being the idiot that goes out of their way to support everyone else, but is ignored when it's time for a raise, and ends up hating themselves in the end.
The Filler Theory
Toast is there to make you, um, fatter- shit, I mean fuller. Back in the early days of unregulated commercial food consumption (like, yesterday) the sugar lobbyists and bread lobbyists went Gangs of New York style on each other and often. Naturally, the sugar high continually beat the dreaded bread bloat and when the three meals of the day were split up into what we know now, the bread faction got regulated to in-between filler bullshit like apps, snacks, and sides.
It was a huge loss and sent bread into a rebranding effort to challenge sugar’s popular “the thing you want in everything” tagline. This explains why the popular phrase “you are toast” actually means you lack proper branding.
Once FDR proclaimed breakfast to be “the most important meal of the day” [D], bread finally found their voice as “the first or last thing you kind of eat because there are no other options". Which makes French toast- a bad drunken night between bread and sugar- all that more sad and creepy.
The Unified Field Theory of Breakfast
An important scene from the recent film “The Theory of Everything Fifty Shades” was deleted due to the highly statistical chance for plot confusion [E]. The scene was between Stephen Hawking and Jane after an impassioned night of kinky sex with another couple, Christian and Anastasia, including whips, chains, and exploring dark event horizons.
The next morning Anastasia makes Stephen breakfast and suddenly, it all comes together. The balance of eggs, bacon, and toast can be turned into an equation to explain, well, everything. Especially A&*% and I*&^%Z@#$ and certainly P&**$#! This is why the beloved term "you are toast" is often referred to as applying a %^*@^ to a *&!$%$% with a good lathering of guacamole.
For all of you lame non-breakfast-physicists out there let me summarize. It's, um, honestly- I'm not really sure myself. Just know that toast eventually became known as “dark matter” which is the thing that is just there, everywhere in the universe. Hardly understood. Persistent. Annoying.
And now I'm hungry.
References-ish:
[A] Jackson, L.S. & Al-Taher, F. (2005). "Effects of consumer food preparation on acrylamide formation". Adv. Exp. Med. Biol. 561: 447–465. doi:10.1007/0-387-24980-X_34. PMID 16438318.
[B] http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2013/10/history-toast
[C] Please see footnote D
[D]: Please see footnote E
[E]: Please see footnote C